99 Ways To Kill, Torture, and Annoy Chris
by Enigma Dragon Warrior
Summary: Are you tired of Chris's sadism? Do you want to pent your frustrations on the host? If you do, you've came to the right place! Submit ways to kill, torture, mutilate, and annoy Chris. Best of all, your fantasies will happen! On torture #18.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Total Drama Island, Action, World Tour, or Chris McLean. Chris McLean will get owned several times by the other campers in this fic though.

**Note: **I came up with this idea after I saw the most recent episode of Total Drama World Tour where Chris was unbelievably cruel to my favorite character, Bridgette. To get metaphorical revenge, I'm doing this story so you reviewers can submit ways to annoy torture, mutilate, or even kill the sadistic host. I hope to see a lot of suggestions!

**Rating Note: **Rated T or M for the violence you see on Happy Tree Friends, maybe even a couple suggestive scenes down the road.

**Setting: **After the finale of Total Drama World Tour…

* * *

**Chapter 1 - At Wit's End**

"You haven't seen the last of me!" Alejandro declared as he was taken away by the police, "I will get my revenge!"

"Good luck with that Ale-loser!" Bridgette laughed, "Serves you right for leaving me in the middle of the Yukon!" The surfer girl flipped off the arch villain as the police helicopter flew away from Hawaii, the final location of Total Drama World Tour.

"Alejandro's gone, Cody won the million, and everyone's together!" Sierra cheered, "Oh, I'm so posting this on my blog!" She picked up her tech geek boyfriend and kissed him on the lips.

"This was a pretty crazy season." Duncan admitted, "I come back twice just because I'm popular? Man, the producers must be desperate!"

"From first vo'oted o'off to runner up, eh!" Ezekiel cheered, even though he lost the million after returning just near the end, "This is awesome!"

"That's right my home schooled friend!" Izzy said, "You were awesome in the final challenge!"

"I'm surprised you even had the courage to walk across that volcano." Beth chuckled, "I would never be able to pull that off!"

Lindsay noticed Eva scowling over to the back of the bunch, so the blonde went to console her.

"What's wrong Eva?" she asked the female weightlifter, "I thought you would be happier to get another season over with."

"Yeah." Eva shrugged, a small smile forming on her lips. She offered her fist to Lindsay in a pound it fashion, confusing the dumb blonde.

"Who's ready to party?" Geoff cheered, everyone soon joining in. As everyone ran over to the bonfire to celebrate, they were interrupted by someone.

"Woah there campers!" Chris said, "This party's for the cast and crew only!"

"But we are the cast!" Leshawna argued, "We made this show popular!"

"Let me reiterate." the sadistic host started again, "This party is for the cast and crew who **aren't **complete losers!" The twenty-three contestants looked past Chris and saw Chef, the bear, and Sasquatchanakwa relaxing in a hot tub.

"So we're playing second banana to two people who appeared in only one episode and Chef?" Heather shrieked, "This is ridiculous! I even had my head shaved twice and was eliminated each time due to your stupid rules!" She pointed toward her wig.

"You deserved it for whipping me in the dogsled challenge this season." Courtney pointed out.

"And sabotaging my relationship with Gwen." Trent added.

"And injuring Cody in China." Sierra added.

"And for getting me voted off in the first season." Justin added.

"And me." Eva added.

"And me." Izzy added.

"Not to mention me." Leshawna finished, recalling the "bribery" Heather used on Chris to have her eliminated.

"We get the picture, Heather's sending bad vibes." Chris groaned, "Anyways, this party's off limits to you now GTFO!"

"STFU!" Sierra retorted.

"LOL!" Sasquatchanakwa grunted.

"OMG!" Lindsay finished, only to be stared at by everyone. Before they knew it, Chris returned to the party.

Everyone sulked as they sadly trudged back to the beach, but not everyone was going to go down without a fight.

"That monster's gone too far!" Courtney declared as she stood on top of a rock, "He thinks he can just ignore us after we experienced three seasons of torture at his hands! We have to get nasty, mean, and aggressive to get our payback! Now who's with me?"

Everyone was rubbernecked at the bossy leader's outburst.

"Oh come on people!" Courtney continued, "I know you Bridgette, you Trent, and even you Gwen, want to get that host! As much as it makes me want to puke, everyone has to team up if we want to pull this off!"

"Courtney's right." Harold spoke up, "Chris deserves it after..."

"Who said you can talk?" the CIT yelled as she pointed her dart like finger at the lanky nerd, "As I was saying, Duncan, do you have anything to add?"

"I'm for it." the delinquent shrugged.

"Aw what the heck, me too." Gwen added.

"Whatever Gwen agrees to, I agree to!" Cody declared triumphantly while giving the goth girl a platonic smile.

"And whatever Cody agrees to, I agree to!" Sierra said.

The chain of agreeing went on until Noah was the only contestant who hadn't joined the cause.

"Please Noah..." Katie pleaded as she gave her signature pout, "Do I really need to get Sadie to help?"

The bookworm's eyes widened as he thought of a double assault by the BFFFLs. Sighing, he also agreed.

"Now where do we begin?" DJ asked everyone.

"Funny how Hawaii has internet access?" Cody chuckled, already on his laptop.

"Found anything?" Bridgette asked.

"While I did find this one forum posted by someone called Enigma Dragon Warrior." the tech geek admitted.

"You mean the lazy sixteen year old guy who likes writing TDI fanfiction?" Sierra asked, "His stories are really good!"

"Anyways, the topic is Ways To Kill, Torture, Mutilate, and Annoy Chris." he continued, "He's gotten a lot of comments!"

"Let's see what we're working with here..." Tyler said as he scrolled down the suggestions.

* * *

**Closing**

I know this chapter is rather short, but this is just the bread crumbs of the entire dinner of Chris torture!

There are a few rules however:

1. The thing can't be something Chris would enjoy. (Causing pain, sex, etc.) This should be obvious, but something tells me it's not.

2. If possible, please start out with the minor annoyances for now and we'll get to the really painful stuff later. Trust me! (cackles evilly)

3. Have fun! Obscure references to my, your, or anyone else's stories are acceptable!

I did not post a forum. The suggestions fit into your reviews! (hint hint)


	2. The Torture Begins

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything in this story.

**Note:** I know this took a long time to update, but I've lost some of my desire to torture Chris after seeing Broadway Baby. I would've never guessed he was in a boy band!

**Rating Note:** Nothing bad here except for Chris torture.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 2 - Beginning Of The Torture**

"No way!" Duncan laughed as he looked over the suggestions that the fans posted, "These people have hilarious suggestions!"**  
**

"I think we should start out with this suggestion..." Courtney said, giving her boyfriend an evil look.

* * *

**#1 - Give Chris A Wedgie**

"Some party we had tonight, huh Chef?" Chris told Chef as they walked back to their trailer. Duncan snuck up behind the host and reached his hand inside his pants, yanking up his underwear. Chris cried out in pain as the delinquent pulled his briefs above his head.

"It's your turn Tyler." Duncan said into a walkie talkie.

* * *

**#2 - Have The Monster Sit On Chris**

"Are you ready for this Tyler?" Courtney asked. They were in the control room with Tyler outfitted in a suit that controlled the monster from Monster Cash.

"Target's in position." the CIT directed the jock. She pointed towards Chris on the monitor, still dazed from the wedgie he received a few minutes ago.

Tyler prepared his fist to smash Chris, but he slipped and made the monster sit on the host.

"Not what I had in mind, but it worked." Courtney nodded.

Duncan walked onscreen and noticed that Chris was as flat as a pancake after the monster got off of him. The delinquent shrugged and carried the unconscious host to his next torture.

* * *

**#3 - Have Chris Fight Eva**

"He's all yours." Duncan told Eva as he tossed Chris into a pit with the fitness buff.

"Where am I?" the barely conscious Chris mumbled as he got up. His eyes met Eva's, which had a particular flare of anger to them.

"I'll show you for not letting me on Total Drama World Tour!" she shrieked as she tackled the host and started pummeling him. After a kick to the groin, Eva felt satisfied and climbed out of the pit.

* * *

**#4 - Pour Maple Syrup In Chris's Hair**

"He's all yours home school." Eva told Ezekiel, who had a bottle of syrup with him. The home schooled teen got a wicked look on his face and readied the bottle.

"He'll never be expecting this, eh!" Ezekiel laughed as he poured the maple syrup on Chris's head. The sadistic host realized what Ezekiel was doing and screamed.

"Get that syrup away from me!" Chris shrieked as he got out of the pit.

"I go'ot him, eh!" Ezekiel told Courtney via walkie talkie.

* * *

**#5 - Chris Gets Kicked In The Groin...**

"You two were the last people I thought I would team up with to get revenge on Chris," Gwen said with a smile, "but boy does it feel good!"

"Target approaching at eleven o' clock." Courtney said as Chris ran toward the showers, "Let's show him girls!"

Heather pulled her foot back and steadied herself. When Chris ran toward her, she released the imaginary rope that held her foot back and nailed Chris into the place where the sun doesn't shine.

The sadistic host doubled over in pain. Gwen took his opportunity to knee Chris in the groin, as did Courtney.

Heather and Courtney spread his legs as Gwen held him down for the final kicker to take aim: Bridgette.

"Hey..." Chris chuckled nervously as Bridgette walked in, grinning evilly, "No hard feelings about leaving you in the Yukon with your tongue stuck to a pole..."

"Not after I do this!" Bridgette said as she stomped on Chris's crotch.

"Right," Chris squeaked, "you're still mad."

* * *

**#6 - Lock Chris In A Cage With A Bunch Of Pandas**

Cody helped Bridgette drag Chris to a cage of pandas. After throwing him in and locking the door, Cody threw shoots of bamboo on Chris. The hungry pandas then tackled Chris and started eating the shoots and some of his clothing. After the pandas got off of Chris, he limped out of the cage and fell to the ground.

"I can't believe he wears briefs." Bridgette told Cody.

* * *

**#7 - Lock Chris In A Room With Owen And Baked Beans**

"Where am I?" Chris mumbled. He looked toward Owen who was eating beans and his eyes widened fearfully. "Owen?" the host whimpered, "Is there any way out of here?

"Sorry." the chubby oaf shrugged, "The others swore me to secrecy." He farted, causing Chris to fan away the stench.

"Holy shit man!" Chris cried, "What kind of a monster are you?"

Owen continued farting as he walked over to Chris. "I'm just a fun loving guy!" He burped in Chris's face, causing him to faint.

Meanwhile, everyone else watched outside as the fumes leaked through the cracks of the door. They all laughed at Chris's screaming and crying for mercy.

"Freedom!" the host cried after the door opened, "Just let me take a shower!" After the host limped away, Courtney gagged at the stench.

"You're revolting!" she cried.

"We should do the same thing tomorrow!" Geoff cried.

* * *

**Closing**

To be honest, I'm not really happy with how this chapter turned out. If I only had a muse to make Chris suffer, maybe I can write this story better.

Another short chapter, but again, this is only the beginning. The more complex tortures will last longer.

Until then, read and review!


	3. The Pain Continues

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Total Drama Island. If I did, Chris would have his tongue stuck to a pole by Bridgette, get branded with a cattle prod, and attacked by a bunch of rabid squirrels… Come to think of it, that wouldn't be a bad idea...

**Note: **I've decided to indefinitely cancel My Savior Ezekiel. It may be brought back someday, but not for a while. Also, you might have to read Almost! Total Drama Action to understand some of these jokes. The reason I'm writing this chapter is because I've gotten really mad at Chris during the Greece episode. He'll pay for killing those two nameless interns! (GRR!)

**Rating Note: **Chris gets abused… a lot.

* * *

**Chapter 3 - Power Of The Cattle Prod**

The twenty three former contestants noticed a spiky red haired teen swim toward the island they were on. He wore a torn gray T-shirt with torn jean shorts. Attached to his leg was a scabbard which held his machete.

"Hey cuz!" Izzy greeted as she glomped the redhead teen.

"Who is he again?" Leshawna asked.

"This is my cousin Kenneth..."

"My name's Kai!" the red haired teen interrupted.

"We only met once when we were twelve, and boy what a weekend it was!" Izzy reminisced, "Anyways, I called him over to help us with our Chris torture!"

"The more the merrier!" Gwen cheered, "I'm still not glad enough after Chris set me up on that love triangle with Duncan and Courtney."

"Water under the bridge." Courtney said happily, putting her arm around her new friend, "Besides, it was Chris's fault!"

"Speaking of which, I've also brought a few interns to help us beat him up!" Izzy said as two maids, two cameramen, a flight attendant, two young men dressed similarly to Chris, and Billy the Intern came off the newly arrived Boat of Losers, "Now fly my pretties, fly! Seek out your revenge!"

* * *

**#8 - Chris Gets Beaten Up By The Interns**

The host scanned his bedroom suspiciously for any traps he suspected the campers would have prepared for them. Once he thought the coast was clear, he left his bedroom to find one of his old maids grinning at the end of the hallway.

"Josephine?" Chris gasped, "I thought I fired you!"

"I got back in with the help with the rest of the interns." she said, "They'll be joining me any minute to kick your butt!" Another maid, Anna Crusis, came up behind the sadistic host and nailed him in the groin with her high heeled shoe. As the two maids started pummeling the host with mops, the two interns dressed like Chris came in holding towels.

"Bryce? Ernie?" Chris yelled in shock, "I thought I threw you guys off the plane in Greece!" Bryce, the dark skinned one with the red Chris shirt, nodded and snapped Chris with his towel, making him screech in pain. The blonde intern in the light blue Chris shirt wrapped his towel around the host's neck and started strangling him with it.

"Hey loser!" Zed one of the cameramen called out with a Super Soaker, "Did you just wet yourself?" He sprayed Chris's crotch area with water, then his hair. A bag of dirty laundry was dumped on him by Jed, the other cameraman. "This is actually pretty fun!" Jed admitted.

"I told ya so bro!" Zed replied.

Finally, the intern in the white tank top and swimming trunks (known to fans as Billy) showed up. "I've been working for you for four years and now I get my revenge." he seethed as he got out a spanking paddle...

* * *

**#9 - Spanking**

Chris screamed and tried to ran away, but his attempts were thwarted by the vengeful interns who held the host down. Billy swung the paddle toward the host's bottom, but stopped millimeters from posterior contact. Chris whimpered fearfully, making the other interns roll their eyes. Billy hesitated, looking at his paddle. Suddenly, a wicked grin appeared on his face as he finally struck the host's butt.

As the rest of the interns cheered at Chris crying out in pain, Billy drew back and slapped Chris's backside again. He blindly slapped the host's butt, ignoring Chris blubbering for mercy. When he finally stopped, he pulled Chris's pants down. Because the host was wearing a thong, all the interns could see his butt cheeks swollen red. Chris, now humiliated, pulled his pants back up and ran down the hallway. When he turned around the corner, Kai snagged him and carried him to his next torture.

* * *

**#10 - Throw Chris In A Tank With The Man Eating Sharks**

"Okay boys!" Kai called out to the hungry sharks, who were actually tying napkins around their supposed necks, "Dinner is served!" He threw Chris in the shark tank, laughing as the host was chased by the sharks.

"You'll pay for this!" Chris screamed as the other contestants joined in laughing. The sharks chased Chris around the tank, any attempts of the host trying to escape being thwarted by one of the contestants zapping him with a cattle prod.

"This is fun Kenneth!" Izzy cheered as she zapped Chris with the cattle prod.

"It's Kai!" he reminded her, shaking his finger disapprovingly.

"Same diff." the crazy girl said, waving it off, "Just as long as we can torture Chris!"

The sadistic host finally ran out of breath and stopped swimming, crouching in anticipation of being devoured.

"Stop!" Bridgette called out, interrupting their meal. Chris breathed a sigh of relief as he got out of the shark tank, but the surfer girl just smirked. "I've got another thing up my sleeve." She grabbed Chris by the collar and dragged him to the freezer.

* * *

**#11 - Stick Chris's Tongue To A Pole And Have Him Sing A Song**

Both Chris and Bridgette shivered in the freezer, though the surfer girl still had a prominent grin on her face.

"What... what are you gonna do with me?" the host whimpered, still soaking wet and freezing.

"Let's just say it's a little retribution." Bridgette chuckled malevolently. She reached into his mouth and pulled out his tongue, sticking it to a nearby pole. Geoff sounded a familiar chime and Chris's eyes widened in horror.

"You heard the man!" the surfer girl said haughtily, "Now you'll have to sing! But not just any song..." She brought out a radio and pressed the play button.

"Hi Barbie! Hi Ken!" the song started.

"No! No!" Chris whimpered, his tongue still stuck to a pole, "Noth thath thong!"

In response to his pleading, Bridgette pulled out a cattle prod and tazed the host on the butt. After crying out in pain, he proceeded to sing.

_I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie world!_

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic!_

_You can brush my hair, undress me anywhere!_

_Imagination, life is your creation!_

Soon, everyone crowded around the host as he continued to sing the song. When he attempted to flip them off, his hand got stuck to the pole.

Meanwhile, Izzy wheeled in a large crate.

* * *

**#12 - Attacked By Rabid Squirrels**

"Really Izzy?" DJ laughed, "You having an army of squirrels is about as likely as Duncan suddenly turning evil and using me to help break up Bridgette and Geoff."

"Improbable but true Deej." the redhead replied, "Now attack my minions!" She opened the crate and the tiny killing machines charged at the delirious host. After a solid two minutes of attacking him, the little creatures returned back to their crate.

* * *

**#13 - Whacked By A Mallet**

"Well, it looks like he's had it." Justin said.

"Now let's finish the job!" Kai cried as he pulled a large hammer from behind it back.

"But Kenneth, if you whack Chris on the head, won't it put him in a coma and send this story into another hiatus?" Izzy asked.

Kai nodded and Izzy just shrugged.

"Bomb's away!" Kai cried as he drew his mallet back.

***WHACK!***

**

* * *

**

**Closing**

That was surely an abrupt ending to this chapter.

Truthfully, this chapter started being written back when the Greece episode of TDWT was first leaked online. School activities and Almost! Total Drama Action just kept the story from taking off.

The story will have it's next update in six months. (Just kidding! Or maybe I'm not...)


	4. Self Advertising

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Total Drama Island, Action, World Tour, or Revenge of the Island.

**Note: **Five months and twenty four days, that was quicker than I thought! Anyways, welcome to the next chapter of this Chris torture fic. We're heading out to New York City for more sadistic glee against the host! There will be a cameo by two Almost! Total Drama Action characters. It will be obvious who they are.

**Rating Note: **This chapter is rated as it usually is.

* * *

**Chapter 4 - Broadway, Baby! V2.0**

Twenty two teenagers and a delirious host in a body bag, all in the Total Drama Jumbo Jet. Normally, it would seem like the perfect place to throw a chaotic party, but the atmosphere was quiet and serene.

"Seems like just yesterday when we were still competing for the cash." Tyler said while gazing out the window.

"Hey look everyone!" Sierra cried, "We're flying over New York City!"

"Man, that place brings back memories!" Cody laughed.

"Yeah." Gwen said, "Sierra blowing the cover on Chris's boy band career was the greatest thing that happened during TDWT!"

"Sierra, you should totally tell Chris's life story!" Katie squealed.

"That'll really make him cry!" Sadie chuckled malevolently.

The two BFFs squealed, making Noah cover his ears in agitation.

"What's beyond me is how they put this plane back together and transported it to _Hawaii_ so quickly." the lazy genius muttered.

"Man, I remember when Sierra blew up the plane back in Alberta." Duncan recalled.

"Then I beat you and Ezekiel at the final challenge and the rest is history!" Cody said triumphantly.

"Hey, do you know who's piloting this joint?" Leshawna asked, changing the subject.

"Izzy and Kai are in the cockpit." Owen answered.

"Oh fu..." Heather muttered."

* * *

**In The Cockpit**

"How's everything going Izzy?" Kai asked.

"Everything's a 10-4 my good man!" she replied while driving the plane.

"Hey, look!" Kai said, "There's a big apple!"

"Not just any big apple, Kenneth!" Izzy pointed out, "THE Big Apple!"

"Attention passengers." the redheaded male called out over the intercom, "We are now arriving at our destination! Don't attempt to adjust your television screens, for I control the horizontal and the vertical. Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination. Bye, bye, Miss American Pie. Took the chevy to the levy but..."

"SHUT UP!" All the campers shouted simultaneously.

"Anyways," Izzy started, "Once the plane has landed, please take your luggage and our victim with you. Have a nice stay!

* * *

"So Cody," Bridgette asked, "Any ideas?"

"Well..." he answered while scanning his laptop, "We have a lot of Justin Beiber related tortures we could try."

"And it just so happens that he's at New York City today!" Beth added.

"Let's see him!" Katie squealed.

"Actually, I have an idea of my own!" Cody answered.

* * *

**#14 - Corrupt His Mind By Shameless Self Advertising**

Chris woke up in a bed. His arms and legs were in shackles and he had a strange device on his head. The device shocked him and sent a message to his brain.

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

"That was weird." he said, "I gotta get out of here and get even with those brats!"

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

"That's just getting annoying!" Chris shouted indignantly.

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

"AHHHHH!" Chris screamed, "Make it stop!"

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

Chris was catatonic when the self advertising finally ceased. When it seemed like he couldn't go any more insane, Cody brought in a radio and pressed play.

* * *

**#15 - Make Chris Listen To The Spice Girls**

"I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want! So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!"

The sadistic host started shrieking wildly and rolling on the ground. All the contestants were delighted to see the person who had humiliated them for so long become a mad man.

* * *

**#16 - Throw Chris Off The Drop Of Shame**

"I think Chris has given up." Bridgette giggled, "It's time to eliminate him!"

The twenty two (Izzy and Kai were driving the plane.) contestants cheered and picked up Chris. They threw the delirious host out of the plane, all of them laughing at his screaming.

"Where did Chip land?" Lindsay asked.

"By the looks of it, at a Hilton Hotel." Leshawna answered.

* * *

**#17 - In Bed With A Homosexual**

Chris woke up with a groan. He looked to his left and saw he was with a shirtless brown haired male.

"What am I doing here?" the host asked.

"Well I did you!" the man joked.

A black man entered the room.

"Chad?"

"Brad?"

Chris ran out of the room, not caring that he left his shirt behind.

* * *

**#18 - Chris Sings Justin Bieber In Front Of Justin Bieber Haters**

As Chris McLean ran down the hallway, he was seized by Duncan and Geoff.

"Stop!" the host sobbed, "I'll free you from your contracts, just stop!"

"That won't be satisfying enough." Duncan said, grinning like a madman.

They brought him out to the front where they were surrounded by Justin Bieber haters and the rest of the TDI cast.

"Sing Baby." Geoff said.

"But..."

SING BABY!" Duncan snapped at him.

"Baby... baby... baby... ooh!" Chris sang weakly.

The crowd screamed, roared, and readied their weapons.

"He's all yours!" Geoff cried as he tossed the loser host into the crowd and let him get mauled by angry fans and the contestants.

"This is awesome." Duncan said.

* * *

**Closing**

I know that lots of people have requested to have Chris's head shaved. It will happen later, trust me... (laughs evilly)

Read and review! See you soon! (Hopefully in less than five months.)

But first, I will corrupt your mind with shameless self advertising!

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**

**Read Almost! Total Drama Action**


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